The Albatross In The Rabbit Hole

I am sharing this post, originally published in 2015 as part of “The Bipolar Bastille,” to provide context. A reminder I’m here today. Which means the darkest days will end and the sun will rise again. We will get through this, and if you relate to this post, if you’re down that rabbit hold, reach out, get help. You are not alone. You are loved.

Gonna free fall out into nothin’
Gonna leave this world for a while
/Tom Petty

Did you ever want to get inside the brain of someone suffering from mental health illness? Well, this is what it’s like inside my brain, or at least what it was like when I was at my lowest point. The sweet sounds of Petty in the background, perfectly romantic, in a situation that was far from serene. I had an albatross hanging around my neck; I needed a physical relief from this psychological labyrinth. A rabbit hole to leave this world for a while.

The danger of mental health illness is what you don’t see, the fact that perception is not always reality. The perception that I was this bright, beaming, beautiful being was all smoke in mirrors. As a matter of fact, I was more like the smoke…suffocating, dark, vacant. I spent so much time just waiting for the dust to settle, thinking I’ll start sleeping again soon, the thoughts will stop racing soon, the depression will lift soon, or more simply, I’ll get the desire to breathe again soon. But in that time you can’t escape, when you’re getting swallowed alive, how do you rebound? Where do you go? For many, there’s only down the rabbit hole.

***A 2020 Update: If you’re down a rabbit hole, just take a glance back over your shoulder. What you’ll see is that suddenly that hole looks a lot more like a tunnel with a light at the end. You don’t need to believe it’s real just yet. That’s too hard. Just start the ascent. Before you know it, you’ll be on solid ground in the sun again.***

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